by Dr. Samara Ryce
You read that right.
Settle in. I have time today!!
The title of this blog post is in quotations for a reason. Another person's words and not mine.
I wrote it almost like the person wrote it on Facebook, except for I corrected his grammar. The teacher in me had to make the subject and verb agree.
Recently, I was reading a Facebook post a male acquaintance posted about feminism. It was predictable with a “Christian” spin on it that created a hierarchy to male/ female relationships. It suggested that feminism was destructive to women and to our community as a whole. I skimmed through the post, realizing that it was one dimensional. The message that women independent of men are less than, thus making female led households less than.
For context, you all should know that I consider myself a womanist, a term created by author Alice Walker. In short, I’m for the equality of all, but since I’m a woman, I’m rooting for my team. Since I'm a Black woman, there is so much more that I bring to the conversation than the traditional American feminist perspective. I don't want to dominate anyone. I want to have a fair chance to play in the game.
And by the way, I love Black men.
So back to the Facebook post…
I skimmed some more and then saw the most ignorant statement…
This fool said, “…Statistically speaking, single mothers make terrible parents”
TF?
There is a growing movement of men who sit behind keyboards or podcast microphones and they fight women. Many of them low key don’t even like women. Not in a relationship kind of way, but in a way of appreciation. These men literally don’t like us. I don’t know if they are fighting the girl who dumped them, the female opponent who beat them, or their own experience with their own mothers, but these men do not like us. They are the same men who claim to be about equality, who will talk about the white man and his impact on Black people. Same men who claim to represent Christianity. These same men will encounter single mothers online and launch an all-out war of words all while having nothing to say about the pandemic of father abandonment.
To be absolutely clear, I’m not salty about the failure of a relationship. That happens. It’s sad, but it happens. But when it happens, there are so many possibilities that can come from the joint commitment to love your children. The failure of fathers or mothers to commit equally to the raising of their children is what contributes to the challenges we see represented in often cited statistics.
While everyone knows that it is best for children to be raised in a stable family unit with multiple people who love and care for them, what are the options for a mother who realizes that her partner wishes her harm? What is she to do when she realizes that her children will be harmed if she continues in relationship with her partner? What happens when she realizes that people who are in her village are violent or dangerous? Is she then wrong for making the decision to offer her children a life without the trauma that currently exists in the relationship?
Its interesting because when those men hear that we are single because of abuse or infidelity or our former partners refusing to own their responsibility, then the blame is put on the woman. “Choose better” they say. But when a woman does choose better and that choice means that we become independent of a man, it threatens them and their security with the way of things.
But they act like we wanted this. Like we chose this. Most single mothers didn’t set out to be in this position. And even if we did choose to enter into parenthood without a partner, we are very much capable of doing it alone. If I’m speaking for myself, I intended to be a married mother, and I was for a long time. But the day I paced my living room floor and decided to file for divorce, I had had enough of the lies, the disrespect, the emotional abandonment, the manipulation and the infidelity. I decided it wasn’t healthy for me or for my children to continue in this kind of mess.
It’s almost as if some of these men are saying “What on earth will we do with a single woman who choses for herself how she would like to show up in this world?”
But some of the “male experts”, the Kevin Samuels wannabes. who themselves aren’t even a 4 on a scale of 1-10, have the unmitigated gall and sheer audacity to tell a successful woman that she is hurting her children by creating a life for them. They tell us that our education means nothing. They tell us that the things we struggled for on the road to providing for ourselves and our children mean nothing.
No one stops to think that we, the single mothers, are often the ones feeding the children without help.
No one stops to think that we the single mothers, are the ones up late and night and early in the morning.
No one stops to think that we, the single mothers, are the ones who must make decisions that center around the care and well-being of our children.
Many don’t stop to think of the impact of what we do within the context of father abandonment.
I’d rather my kids learn resilience from watching me.
I’d rather my kids learn the value of hard work from watching me.
I’d rather my kids learn and experience sacrifice and love by watching me.
Society seems to go after the parent who made the decision to care.
What’s really being exposed here is the discomfort so many men seem to have with free women. They ridicule our education and tell us our degrees can’t keep us warm (But I beg to differ as I type this message from my king-sized bed in my well heated master suite. I’m warm as hell). But what those men mean is that they don’t want women who threaten their sense of self. These men aren’t secure, so they seek out women who either can’t do better or who are looking for a savior in them. These men hate women who have choices because it exposes their inadequacies. Our empowerment upsets their demons.
The assumption is that if a woman has an education, then she doesn’t have a man. The assumption is that if you can take care of yourself, then you are some man hating type.
I’m smart enough to know that my resume belongs on my LinkedIn page, and not in my relationship, or even in my nonromantic friendships. Who I am at work has nothing to do with the intimacy I share with a partner or with my friends and family. I got my education because of who I wanted to be in this world and the gifts I had to give to others. My education doesn’t make me better than anyone. Everything I’ve learned and every degree and certification I’ve earned are my tools in my toolbox that help me to fulfill my purpose.
I can't believe I have to spell it out.
There are far too many children dealing with pain that adults put on them. When they should be enjoying childhood, so many kids are dealing with trauma and the harsh realities of this world. God bless every mother, father, grandparent, aunt, foster parent, etc who steps up and commits to being there for a child. God bless every divorced couple who commits to a working co-parenting partnership in service of their children. And God bless every parent going it alone.
I am glad that I get to parent three of the best blessings God has ever given.
And I am a damn GOOD mother.
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