Every Sunday night I get this feeling. It's not a bad feeling. It's not a good feeling. It's just that reminder that I will soon be subject to the schedule, and the clock, and the job, and the daily grind. The kids will have homework. I will have emails and a weekly calendar. I will wake up, listen to my devotional and promise myself to be great as I support teachers at work, raise kids at home, wave my magic wand over the laundry, cleaning, family matters and keep it all going.
And as I do all of this, I hear in my mind,
"You go girl!"
"You're a strong Black woman!"
"Black girl magic!"
"Yaaasssssss", and whatever else we should snap to, twirl on and strut into a room saying under our breath.
As I hear echos of Lizzo telling the truth and Beyonce telling me that I run the world, I roll my eyes, not because I disagree with their words, but I need a timeout from this superwoman, mother of humankind, queen thing. I don't always want to run it. I don't always want to do it. I don't always want to have it together. I don't need to be a goddess.
I refuse to wear the badge of Strong Black Woman for fear that it becomes a misrepresentation of this experience to those of us struggling, to those of us overcome by depression, or overwhelmed by financial challenges. Success is not the only measure of strength. A relationship is not a measure of my worth as a woman. Bragging rights about the success of my kids in school is not a sign of the kind of mother I am. Sometimes what makes us strong is that we have committed to the process of becoming.
I hate to spill the secrets of the Black woman, but here it is. There is no magic to this thing. Half the time I'd rather sit at home and watch Netflix, or listen to music and not be bothered with people. So why do I do all that I do? I do all that I do not because of my strength. I am not a strong Black woman. I do it because it must be done. I do it because I cannot tell a judge a sob story about not being able to provide for myself and my kids. I do it because I contribute something that people need. I can't just leave them hanging. My values, my love for my kids, and my pride won't allow it.
So it might take me longer, cost me more, make me cry long hard tears or give me a resolve for success like no one has ever seen. But I will do all I have to do and do it well.
I am not a strong Black woman. I am a woman who has decided not to give up. I am a focused woman. I am a woman who takes it moment by moment at times. I am a woman who knows how to ask for help. I am a woman who knows how to forgive herself when it all falls apart.
No magic. So special sauce. No top secret formula.