This morning I awoke before my 4:30 alarm. I rolled out of bed, said a quick prayer, and checked my sleep score. I listened to Les Brown tell me "It's not over until I win" for the 100th time, and Bishop T.D Jakes preach to me about being a fighter. And for a off day, I still did my makeup, ironed my slacks and selected the perfect blouse and earrings. This time, not to greet teachers and students, but to show the utmost respect to the court. Today I was going back to to discuss child support with the judge.
Aside from the irritation I feel having to take a personal day off to attend a court proceeding, I find court very interesting. If I were not an educator, I would have chosen law. So I get some kind of strange gratification seeing the formality of the courtroom with its judge, clerk, bailiff, attorneys and all of the folks sitting in the gallery, listening to all of the cases. I have had every emotion in this room. From utter frustration to pure joy. From anger beyond belief to a complete peace. I have come to know and respect this room with its hard wood pews, yellow lighting and it's high tensions. Mothers generally on the right and fathers generally on the left. Questions and interjections, lies and truth. I feel like an expert now, answering the questions of a mom new to the process just moments before the judge enters the room.
As a lover of history and both an analytical and contextual seeking mind, I listen intently to every case, looking for some sense of commonality with the people here. I wonder about their stories and their children. I wonder who has a daughter like mine. Who struggles with a special needs child? Whose kid just started high school? Who is really going to hurt because they don't get paid time off today? I wonder who in the room is like me. And I realize, none of us thought it would be like this. Never in a million years did I ever think I would be here.
While I am clear that divorcing the father of my three children was the right decision for me, I did not anticipate this level difficulty, lack of collaboration, disrespect and utter disregard for the well being of our children. And while this behavior is his decision, I cannot put it all on him. It is the cult. The cult of irresponsibility we live in.
The one made of up a group of men (generally speaking) who prioritize saying no to a mother over yes to the children. The one that hurts themselves and their own future because they don't want to pay child support. The one where misery finds company and they encourage each other in that mess. They look at their obligation to their children as a payment, but not meals for their children, ballet lessons for their children, medicine for their children. In this cult, they worship at the alter of childhood. They walk around singing hymns of that old Toys r Us song, never wanting to grow up and do the hard stuff.
In the last 4 years, I have observed most non custodial fathers enter the courtroom and offer childish, unacceptable excuses to the judge. "Creative differences at work", "She ain't gonna eat off me", "I'm working on my music career", "I'm working on my new business", etc. All while mothers make it happen. Some mothers are on public assistance. Some aren't. Some have several baby daddies and some don't. Some were married, some never married. But at the end of the day, they are doing the work of raising this generation, while many of the fathers are off somewhere dreaming of fast cars, of women, power. money and a life with no one to be accountable to.
Who is the savior in this cult? There is no savior. There is no plan for redemption. Only right now. And only ME. It is evangelical and dangerous, popular and deadly to the family and the future. The parishioners support each other in the faith, beat their chests and indirectly try to control the mothers of their children through a form of financial abuse.
I've learned that people don't change unless the pain for their current behavior becomes so unbearable that it forces them to change course. So my question today, single mommas, is what are we going to do to infiltrate this cult? How will we circumvent their systems and win for ourselves and our kids WITHOUT depending on their contribution and in spite of the broken system given to us to navigate? Haven't we had enough?
We have to hold on to our faith. We must have a spiritual practice. We must stay focused on our goals. We must develop ourselves. We must always put our children first. We must hold non custodial parents who do not take care of their children accountable through the courts.
Let us start our own church of sorts. Where hard work, sacrifice, ambition, kindness, generosity and truth rest at our core. Let us open our doors to all who will live this life and share its gospel.