Transparent Samara here.
I am a nerd. I love logic puzzles. I keep this one by my bed and some nights when I cannot sleep, I go to it. I read the clues and I solve. It's pretty simple once you get the hang of it. It's a series of understanding 'If..then' statements. Cause and effect. Problem and solution. And once I solve one, I feel good, my mind is at ease and I go to sleep. Too bad real life is not as simple as my beloved logic puzzles.
Sometimes I’m on cloud 9 with a clean house, well behaved children, paid bills and no drama. My skin is glowing and I can fit in my size 4 jeans again. I’m in a good space and I’m proud of myself and the life that I have.
But sometimes I beat myself up. For the person I married and divorced and the mess my children have to deal with at times. I never fully feel free and the full extent of my choice to include my ex in my life in the first place. And there are times I am infuriated because someone else’s actions have taken me to a place of frustration and even depression. It is quite a conundrum, because had he not revealed himself to be the horrible person he is, then my life would not currently be so amazing, but because he is the horrible person he is, there is so much that is so hard.
I hear this not just in my own head, but in conversations with single mommas and single dads. Those who just want to live the best life now and not dwell in the past. They just want to love on their kids and move forward. What is it with exes who swim in a sea of narcissism, that even the simplest request causes them to revert to the default setting of unreasonable, intolerable and foolish? There is no way to argue with a fool and so there is nothing but silence that can make sense in a situation like this. You cannot convince someone to be right when their choice is to be wrong at all cost. And maybe this is my own naivety, but why, with life so short and so uncertain, do people choose this behavior?
As a single momma four years removed from my marriage, I truly want to be able to proceed in a way that is best for my children. One that is inclusive of their father as a co-parent. One that gives them a semblance of a team as far as decision making goes with the children. But what do you do when none of that is possible?
Sometimes I beat myself up. For the person I married and divorced and for the mess my children have to deal with at times. I wish I could have given them a better father. One who is selfless and kind and who gives them a hero. But I cannot. I am not in control of him. But I can do something.
I can give them all of me. Every highly flawed piece of me. I can give them my honesty, and my hard work. I can give them God and my sense of humor. I can give them opportunities to develop their passion and a hot plate of food in the evening. I can give them help with homework and care when they are sick. After all, I am their mother. I knew them before anyone else. I felt them before anyone else. I fed them, and I birthed them.
Every blessing has its share of burden. And for me and so many of you, the burden is heavy. There is no easy way to approach this life, but I will say that you will be given the grace to endure it. You will be given the strength to rise above the difficulty of it. And your beautiful children will be your biggest blessings. I do know that for sure. In those moments of sadness, anger, overwhelming fatigue and uncertainty, please know that you can do this. God is your strength. You can do this, single momma.