To Tell the Truth...
I was honest. At least I thought I was. I don’t lie. Not even white lies. That's just not my vice.
But the truth is that I wanted so badly to be spotless and right and flawless and perfect. And that in itself was an impossible aspiration. That in its essence warred against what my heart longed for. To know. To experience. To try. And the risks that came with all of those authentic experiences taunted me and paired with my fears.
So there I was sitting across from the first man in a long time not afraid to tell me about myself. And he told me that I wasn’t being honest. Huh?
So what is this honestly thing? It is the conversation I was having with myself about what it was that I needed in my life. The admission that I wasn’t ready for a relationship or anything that even remotely looked like it. The admission that while I get lonely sometimes, that I don’t mind spending time alone. The admission that at times, I can be demanding and proud and I don’t take no for an answer. While I enjoy relationships, I am painfully independent and self-sufficient. I am stubborn. All of these I have been congratulated for being. The strong Black woman with degrees and letters after my name. But to tell the truth, I hate having to be that strong all of the time.
To tell the truth, after getting divorced, I felt the need to get back out there and prove to myself and whoever else that I could keep living life. I could date. And I did. But do you know what I discovered? First of all, I despise the first date conversation. It always feels like a lame interview. "Tell me about yourself". "What do you do?" Eye roll. lol
Second, I discovered I had no idea what I needed and what I wanted. Then I had a real ah ha moment.
There is nothing that anyone can give me that is outside of what I should already have within myself.
I cannot go looking for love. I won't find it. Love has to be already within me. I cannot go looking for peace. I have to already be an instrument of peace. I cannot expect for someone to make me happy. I am responsible for my own happiness.
To tell the truth, I'm being honest with myself now. And being a single mom who is content with platonic friendships, and dates every now and again is OK for me at this point. This season is all about me and these beautiful children. I don't know how long this season will last, but while it is here you can catch me at the corner or Self Care Avenue and Hustle Road.
And that's the truth!!